HOLY SHIT

A PROPERLY TOASTED BAGEL

I can't even eat I'm so upset. This is terrible. After saturdays solid bagel, I really thought we had turned a corner. Thought things were looking up. I remember how evenly toasted that bagel was, how plump and properly chewy it was. How well seasoned it was, the plethora of toppings left to swipe up with my cream cheese as I ate, covered with everything the way an everything bagel should be.

But not today. I should have known something was amiss when the Trunchbullian Cook emerged from her lair, delivered my bag of bagels AND spoke to me.

"Thank you!" I say
"Noooooo thank you!" Says the TBC
"Hah" I mumble, weirded out by this interaction
"Thank you for your business everrrryyyy day" she beams
And I walk away confused, worried.

Those worries were warranted. TBC knows what's up. She's perpetuating this game of sorrows. I wonder how she'd feel if she had to eat these bagels she dares to offer us. I bet she keeps all the good bagels for herself. I bet every morning she arrives early to greet the bagel truck and goes through each one, finding the best for herself then properly tuning the toaster and watching as it becomes evenly golden, as the bits of onion perfectly brown, as it becomes a Bagel. Greedy woman!!!!!

Todays bagel get a D. It was hard, too chewy, poorly topped, pathetically toasted.

<p>Disappointment strikes in a myriad of ways. Some mornings, I approach my bagel and still wrapped in its deli sheet it looks so promising - plump, toasty, well coated. This was one of those mornings. Once opened I was presently surprised, while not properly toasted there was a relatively even light toast cover and it was quite plump in size. Things were feeling good, looking up, until I took a look at my toppings. As I do every morning, I asked for hummos and chive cream cheese. As you can see from the picture, my requests fell on deaf and ever foolish ears. Yes, I received hummos, but only a measly half container, and neither I nor any of my chive loving colleagues received our tasty cheesy treat, all being given PLAIN FUCKING CREAM CHEESE. I bet this happened with no discussion either, just a silent pathetic hand off. They think we don't notice these things, think we don't mind when our boss's hard earned money gets us nothing we ever ask for.

Also, skinny opened his bagel with dismay to opine, "I wanted my breakfast brunette, not blonde!" Well said, sad young man.

It's been a while, but were back. This mornings bagel is a toughy. While in no way properly toasted (save for one eighth of its silly edging) it is more properly 'everything' seasoned than usual, and the dough is actually quite bagely. And yet, where's the hole on my 'bagel'? And why oh why can't the toast cover be even?

I give this morning's bagel a solid C.

Edit: Most days I have my bagel with hummos and chive cream cheese. I usually dip my first half in the hummos, and then the second half in the c.c. Well, after finishing my hummos and moving onto the cheez, I was dismayed to find that yet again my cream cheese was sour. Again! This isn't the first time! I turned to Ricky Dicky and told him, and he commiserated, saying his was sour too. So bagel, you can forget that C. I know its no your 'fault', but you're part of a package, and that package gets a proper C- today.

July 1, 2011

This morning the Z man underlined the TOASTED request on our breakfast order, in hopes of gently encouraging some color. Upon return to the shop, however, we found nothing but disappointment and disarray. My bagel, while showing some color on the edges, is utterly a shame, and let's not even mention their giving me the wrong sort of cream cheese. And for the second time this week, as if someone feels bad for our misfortune (as they should) but can't rectify the situation, we received an extra, free, unordered iced T. Hm. Id much rather a properly toasted bagel than some dumb bev but because of that superfluous bev the bagel today gets a C-.

June 30, 2011

Awful! Awful! Today I asked The Hoff to request extra toasting at the bagel counter, and she overheard the following convo.

Friendly barista (FA): She asked if you could toast the bagels a little more?

Trunchbullian Cook (TC): Grumble, it'll make it too dark.

FB: Can't you just turn it up a little bit more?

TC: It'll be burnt, it'll be too dark. No no grumble grumble.

FB: Oh, uhm, okay.

Clearly, she doesn't have to worry about sending out burnt bagels.

June 24, 2011

Slight hint of color on the highest peaks but otherwise completely shameful. What a joke. F+.

June 23, 2011

Unbelievable. Literally. What the fuck is this? This is a raw bagel! This is a poorly cooked, gross hunk of not even bagel dough! What the hell. I remember eating this it was so horrible. F. F x 100.

June 18, 2011

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A little color around the edges but clearly pathetic. Also note the poor cut. D-.

Every morning my coworkers and I pick up breakfast from the coffee shop around the corner. Some of us get yogurt and granola, some get Glorious Morning scones, some get muffin tops, and some of us - the winners - get bagels. I love bagels. I love them so much I could eat them every day. In fact, I do. Well, almost every day. Anyways, for a long time us bagel eaters had it glorious; our bagels were fresh(ish), toasty, golden, warm, as good as it gets from the coffee shop around the Downtown Boston corner. Until one day when our bagels returned smelling like McDonald's french fries - at 9 am. They were hard, sharp, smooshed, squished, squashed, grill marked, buttery - disgusting. Upon questioning, our fears were confirmed - the toaster had zonked and they were using the panini press instead. Sadly, some bagel eaters were happy, enjoying the horrendous new method. The rest of us - the sane ones - suffered in no silence. We poorly tolerated panini pressed bagels for months. We moaned, we cried, we tried other breakfast options, we suffered some more. Until one morning when we unwrapped our bagels and found them lightly colored and stucco - lightly toasted, fluffy(ish), generally intact. Bagely. Good. We let the lack of golden toastiness go, simply glad to have our bagels back. But days turned to weeks, and weeks saw nothing but poorly toasted bagels. We began to whine; we made requests for proper toasting; we tried new breakfast options only to suffer even more. First world weeks have become first world months and still the first world tragedy continues. Welcome to the Poorly Toasted Bagel.